I’m posting this because my guess is this may speak the truth for many people. If this resonates with your feelings, join me in knowing that with conscious awareness we can transform what once was into whatever we prefer today.
In my most recent pre- and perinatal workshop, where my focus was my own healing, a most unusual dynamic happened where I caught my mentor, William, in a moment of vulnerability. Rather than giving him space or some positive nod of acknowledgment for what he was saying, I reflected on the most graphic story in my experience to compare what he had just shared to.
In reflection that night I realized a dynamic of my shadow had risen up and “targeted” William in a moment of vulnerability. It was a projection of a behavior I used to play against my mom to get back at her for all the hurts I had related to her that I had no accepted way of expressing directly. As soon as I became aware of it that night, I began the process of owning it, and I apologized to William for the projection and for taking advantage of his openness.
When I got home from the workshop, I wrote out a full clearing to discover more definitely what was at the core of that–the word “targeted” came up multiple times. I found myself writing about how I intentionally targeted mom, and all of us siblings took rounds intentionally targeting each other, knowing each other’s vulnerabilities and setting each other up for embarrassment, or whatever the opportunity might be–all the time. Among us kids, consciously, no one was supposed to really get hurt. When the rare occasions would arise that I could target my mom, however, I did intend to hurt her feelings.
Since this processing, over the past couple weeks, “targeted” has stayed with me, rapping on my attention. Tonight doing dishes, I was musing about what an unlikely word for me to use. Then I asked myself, “Where have I used that word before?” It was working a process on getting to our core beliefs about Abundance, with John DeLemme. He was asking me what stops me from financial flows of abundance multiple times more than I am making now.
At that time, I came to the realization that all of my adult life I have had a visceral fear that if I have any more financial affluence than what meets my basic needs, I will be TARGETED by people who want what I have. Until this moment, I have never understood the underlying cause of that fear, except to say that I have known it is formidable–not something I could ever just talk myself out of.
Right here, right now, I totally understand myself about this. I took on the fear of being targeted at a visceral level because, as the youngest, littlest, and the only girl, I could never do or have anything bigger or better than my brothers –unless it was something they had zero interest in– because if I did manage to best one of them for a flash of a moment, they would naturally exert greater strength, knowledge or agility and best me at whatever it was we were doing. Very Interesting–in this moment, as I type this, flashback memories of chronically loosing when we would play Monopoly are coming up.
I always wanted to play with them so much, and I would always be the first to loose.
This is such a Key you guys–my whole body and my mind are signaling about this Right Now, like Gangbusters and Popcorn all at once.
Now I just have to figure out how to release the belief system about it not being safe to be as affluent, or more so, than my peers. Please understand, it’s not that I need to show anybody up; I just need to develop the Option inside myself that I could, and that if I did it would not spurn and immediate attempt by the world around me to literally put me back in my place on the bottom.
I was born a Champion! I choose to win!!
(Affirmation Courtesy of John Di Lemme, Strategic Business Coach)